(no subject because I'm lazy)
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You all knew this day was coming around again.

I'm throwing my hat back in the ring for yet another round of therealljidol. Why?

Because I fucking said so, that's why.

Now everyone rejoice.

How I Wound Up In Bed With Two Brothers, Their Mom, A Red Panda, and a Pillow Named Fran
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So I went to the doctor the other day and found out there's this thing called vasovagal syncope that I have been dealing with already on a semi-regular basis but didn't have a name for it. Vasovagal syncope, a.k.a. that thing Rebecca had on Cycle 4 of America's Next Top Model, basically means that I can pass out at any time for no reason. You might think that it sounds sucky, but it can definitely lead to some very interesting stories.

Like, there was this one time that I was out on a date with this dude and his brother because I'm a stud like that, and we were having a great time. We were out to lunch, then we were planning on going to the zoo and meeting up with their mom there to have a kind of cheesy fun date thing. I was like, that's cool, because I haven't been to the zoo in forever and I mean, it's already kind of weird that I'm on a date with two brothers at the same time, so why not add their mom to the mix, too?

So let me tell you, that one of the things about vasovagal syncope is that it's a blood pressure thing, so there's really nothing I can do about it except try to keep my blood pressure up. That's nice, because it means I have an excuse to justify my coffee addiction as a medical expense. And of course fancy coffee helps keep my blood pressure up more than that shit they sell in the grocery store and I have to make myself because like, who has the time to make coffee anyway? In the time it takes me to put in a filter, scoop the coffee, fill the thing with water, press the switch, and wait for the coffee to brew, I could have already driven to Starbucks and plunked down five dollars for a coffee and gotten back home. Okay, so maybe it's not really a convenience thing, but I still like blowing all my money on coffee because fuck you, that's why.

Anyway, after the lunch thing, me and the bros went to the zoo and we met up with his mom there. Oh yeah, and I hadn't had any coffee all day, so I was already feeling kind of tired and my blood pressure was a little low, so maybe I shouldn't have been doing all that walking around but I'm like, whatever I don't really pass out all the time, just every now and then, so I'll be fine to walk around the zoo. So we walked around the zoo, and had a pretty lame time. But then, as we were leaving, there was a commotion going on and we were all like, wtf but it didn't really matter cause we were leaving anyway.

I've always been worried about passing out and having something happen to me while I'm passed out, but I only pass out for a few seconds at a time, so it's not like I could really get taken advantage of in my passed out state anyway but you know, I'm like, maybe one day I'll pass out in the presence of a real hottie and then I can maybe, pretend to still be passed out, you know? If that's what it takes; I mean, I'm a stud and all, but I have fantasies to fulfill, okay? So get off my case.

As it turned out, a red panda had escaped from its enclosure and somehow made its way to the bros' car. We were like, wtf but it was all cute and stuff so we decided to take it home. Yeah, we went back to the bros place. Because what do you do after going to the zoo and picking up an escaped red panda? Turns out that the bros lived with their mom. I mean, kind of a turn-off, but their mom was cool, so I was like, oh hey Val good to see you again we picked up a red panda at the zoo. (I don't use punctuation when I'm talking when I'm nervous.)

Well, I thought the bros' mom was cool, but it turned out that she was in a lesbian relationship with a pillow. Yeah. She had painted a face on the pillow, dressed her up (in a rather snazzy outfit, I must admit), and named her Fran. And was in love with the pillow. I was like, wtf but then it was like whatever because she's an adult; she can do what she wants, right? Right.

Anyway, we all talked for a little while, the bros, the mom, the panda, the pillow, and I. Then, like I do, I wound up in some freaky sexcapade with all of these characters and let me tell you, it was like, the awesomest time of my life.

Actually, come to think of it, that doesn't really have anything to do with vasovagal syncope, because I didn't black out at any point until after all that stuff happened. Well, whatever. It was still an interesting story.

(no subject)
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I don't really exercise. I'm pretty sure that had led to the condition I have known in medical circles as gluteus obesus. I prefer to say "fat ass." I am pretty sure that I haven't seen a nature trail since middle school, and even then I managed to come up with a pretty good excuse for not walking it (asthma: the get-out-of-exercise excuse for all up-and-coming geeks).

I wish there was some cute story I could come up with, but let's face it: I am a lazy fat ass. I wouldn't know anything about walking trails if one of them came up to my front door with a delicious pizza in hand and slapped me across the face. So that's it. I don't walk trails. Enjoy this picture of a kitty:


The Dangers of Being Held Captive Inside a Sentient, Moody Time Bomb
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I used to drive a really shitty series of cars. From the two Cavaliers to the Bronco to the Accord, none of them really worked very well. The Accord had a sunroof that wouldn't close. The Cavaliers had this thing where they liked to spontaneously combust. The Bronco always hit other cars in the parking lot of the school when I wasn't paying attention to the way I was driving. Today's story, though, is about the VW Rabbit.

The Rabbit was the first car I ever drove, and it took me on a series of adventures, from "stalling out in the middle of the freeway" to "overheating and shutting off right before the crest of a really high and curvy mountain road." Once, I even opened the sunroof to have it fly off of the top of my car and slam into a car behind me. Everywhere I went I left nothing but destruction in my wake, like I was the star of my own personal post-apocalyptic universe movie.

I loved that car.

The one thing that really sucked, though, was parking. More specifically, it sucked trying to get out of the parking spot I was in at any given time. You see, the transmission on this car left a lot to be desired. Many times, I would throw the transmission into reverse, hellbent on leaving my parking space, only to find that the car had no intention of going anywhere. It had suddenly become irreversible.

When it came to that point, I knew what was up. It was time to open the doors and run in slow motion away from the inevitable explosion that was coming. Looking back on it now, that happened one time when I was giving my friend Kell a ride home from school.

And suddenly it clicks why I haven't heard from her in a few years.

The 5 Most Annoying Characters From Cartoons of My Childhood
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There is nothing I like more than thinking about my past. Okay, that's not technically true, since I am full of regrets and nostalgia usually immediately precedes my swift downward spiral into the depths of depression. I do, however, love thinking about the cartoons of my childhood, and that's what I'm going to discuss today. I know that when we look back at cartoons we used to love when we were children, we think, "WTF was I smoking that I actually thought this was entertaining? I mean, look at all of the plot holes! This is insulting even to children!" There were, though, a few characters in my favorite cartoons that irritated the shit out of me even when I was a child.

5. Penny, Inspector Gadget


Penny from Inspector Gadget

Penny always got on my nerves because she didn't know how to leave well enough alone. Sure, she and her dog Brain helped out Inspector Gadget about half of the time, but she usually ended up getting in some sort of trouble because she kept sticking her nose where it didn't belong. And let's face it, Gadget would have probably clumsily lucked into saving the day with or without her. He always did.

Not only was she all up in Inspector Gadget's business all the time (like, doesn't have school to go to?), but she also kinda seems a little haughty, like she thinkin' her shit don't stink or something just cause she's got a dog with a walkie-talkie collar and some book that was a computer.

Okay, that book was the shit, though, I ain't gonna lie. I guess I'd be acting like hot stuff if I had that, too.

4. Peabody, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle


Peabody from The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Peabody's another one that just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, I get it, he's smart and everything, but did he have to be such a douche? Always ordering around that poor Sherman around. And what's up with all these kids hanging around doing nothing all day except for spending their time with super-intelligent dogs? I guess it's safe to assume in the case of Peabody and Sherman that Peabody is Sherman's tutor, so maybe that's why Sherman isn't in school. Seems a little irresponsible of Sherman's parents, though, to just trust a super-intelligent talking dog with glasses.

Then again, Peabody refers to Sherman as his "pet boy," so there's probably another, more disgusting explanation that I don't even want to think about. And I don't want to subject you guys to my thinking, either. But I'll give you a hint: bestiality.

3. Snarf, Thundercats


Snarf from Thundercats

What the fuck was the point of Snarf? I can't think of anyone that, even as a child, found him anything but annoying. He didn't ever fucking help the Thundercats. He just got in the way. I mean, come on! They could have found some use for him. Like, fuckin', bait for Mumm-Ra or fuckin' something. But instead they just let him live with them and eat all of their food and be fat and lazy and annoying. I would have thrown him out in the jungle to fend for himself after a day of that shit.

The worst thing about him is that every time I am having that fantasy about gettin' it on with Lion-O (don't give me that look; Lion-O is fuckin' hot, okay), Snarf comes up out of nowhere to totally ruin the moment, and then Lion-O always rolls his eyes and he's like, "Sorry babe but I gotta take care of Snarf; you know how it is," and I'm all, "NO I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW HOW IT IS THIS SUCKS".

2. Jerrica, Jem


Jerrica from Jem

Okay, so here's the thing I don't get: why does Jerrica have to be Jem at all? I mean, obviously "Jem" is just a hologram; Jerrica is the one singing. So she is clearly talented enough to front her own band. What? Did she think people would cry foul if the daughter of a record label exec formed a superstar band? That's completely ridiculous. Plenty of people get into the recording industry by virtue of their daddy being rich. Just look at Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

Anyway, there's also the issue of, like, why be Jerrica at all if you can be Jem? Jerrica's such a whiny bitch and is always complaining about her problems, and Jem is all carefree and fuckin' rock star and shit. Girl, just grow your hair out and dye it pink, take out those matronly clothes and throw on a bitchin' cocktail dress, and you're all set. You don't need a fuckin' expensive-ass hologram. I can't imagine that your father spent all that time and money building a sophisticated sentient hologram-creating machine so you could save ten bucks on a pink wig, girl.

1. Mati, Captain Planet


Mati from Captain Planet

There was one episode of Captain Planet where there was like, this forest fire going on, right? So everyone's all, "OMG Gi use your water powers" and she is like, "OMG guys there isn't a body of water nearby for my powers to work on" which was a total cop-out; she was just being lazy. So Kwame, who could have just thrown some fucking dirt on the fire to suffocate it, was freaking out and being a dumbass and not doing anything. So Wheeler is like, "OH I KNOW" and uses his fire ring. On the fire. Okay, so it doesn't do anything, right? Probably made it worse. Then Linka goes, "I'll use my wind powers!" and everyone goes "NO LINKA YOU'LL JUST MAKE IT BIGGER" even though they didn't have a problem when Wheeler used his fucking fire powers on a fucking fire.

The point of this story is that there are these four bad-ass Planeteers, right? With the power of the four elements right at their fingertips. And they are dumb. They are really, really dumb. For real. Then there's Mati. His power is Heart. Out of the five Planeteers, Mati is easily the most useless. All he can do is like, sometimes telepathically contact people and maybe talk to monkeys or something. But they fucking have to keep him around because if they just killed him or something, they wouldn't be able to make Captain Planet. I hate Mati so fucking much.

I Come Up With Titles Like Emo Rockers; They're Way Too Long and Have Nothing to Do with the Content
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I didn't expect to jump back in this early, but I am doing it because I am having a secret love affair with onda_bianca and she telepathically bullied me into doing it. For those of you who don't know me from last year, here's a real introduction:

I'm 25, a web design student, and a major hottie. I am awesome in every way. These statements are not coming from hubris; they're just true. I can write the pants off of many people, a talent that comes particularly in handy when I am in the presence of some gorgeous people.

Also, I lie a lot. On the other hand, I tell the truth a lot. Most of the things I post for LJ Idol are anecdotes, and most of them totally happened to me. Some of them totally didn't happen to me. So, you know, there's that.

No Big Surprise
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Today I watched a homeless man step off of a street corner and into traffic.

There wasn't any commotion made. Busy professionals gave sideways glances as they continued making their way to their office buildings. The driver of the car that killed him looked mildly annoyed at the inconvenience.

When the light turned red, another person picked up the man and moved him back to the street corner, where the bike cops could deal with it.

I finished my cigarette and went back inside.

It was no big surprise; just another day in the city.

The Time I Shook Hands With a Giant Piece of Shit
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I don't really know how many ways I can express my hatred for public restrooms. Every time I think that I have fully vented, something else happens that awakens the raging beast inside me again. Recently, I was at the supermarket and really had to poop. Okay, that's a lie. Well, that's not a lie, but it's misleading. I was actually shopping at the Old Navy across the street, and I didn't have to poop then, but as soon as I sat down in my car, I was like, "OH MY GOD I HAVE TO POOP RIGHT NOW" but I was too lazy to go back into the Old Navy. So I drove across the street to the supermarket to poop. But then I felt bad about just going in there to poop and leave like some kind of horrible houseguest, so I bought some iced tea and then went to the bathroom.

So anyway, this restroom was weird. First of all, there was another person in it (I know, right? Like haven't they ever heard of privacy?), and he was just like, chilling in there by the sink while I was in the stall trying to pretend like I was just peeing because I really hate pooping with other people around. Okay, he washed his hands three times.

Finally, he left and I sat down and was all, "Woah WTF" because this toilet was way low. I'm talking like I thought for a second that maybe I was being potty trained. Like my feet were on the ground and my knees were up by my nips. And also, the toilet paper dispenser? Totally like, six feet off the ground. Stuck up there as a total afterthought (didn't think I was gonna get it in, did you?). Okay, I don't want to have to stand up from a nice relaxing BM to grab some toilet paper.

Anyway, so I finally pooped and it was great. Stretched as hard as I could, managed to grab a couple of squares of terrible one-ply toilet paper, and reached down to wipe.

For a toilet to be so low, the water level sure was high.

Why I Am Taking A Bye For LJ Idol This Week
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ETA: Since the poll is up now, I feel it necessary to explain why I am not listed as taking a bye. It's a trap.

The whole "It's a Trap!" thing really gets me. The phrase is an internet meme described as follows:

"The phase [sic] has become a common internets catchphrase, but has specific usage in practice of tranny baiting on imageboards: someone posts a thread with a thumbnail that looks like a hot chick… but it’s a trap!!!11 This is a “bait-n-switch” practice similar to Rickrolling" Source.

I initially planned on just ignoring that information and writing some story about being trapped in a loveless relationship or feeling trapped in my dead-end job, something about being trapped, you know? That would probably garner me some sympathy.

But, since this is LiveJournal, I feel almost obligated to act like I'm better than everyone else and decry the insensitivity of the topic on the grounds that it is discriminatory. Because I myself have never had any sort of negative thoughts about any minority groups whatsoever, and because I want to prove that my college degree was not wasted even though I am working a low-wage job that any unskilled person could have acquired, I thought that a lengthy diatribe about transphobia would be in order. Surely people would love to hear a lecture with overly heavy "I'm better than you because I am more sensitive to the offensiveness that this topic perpetuates" undertones.

Being an educated and worldly individual, though, I know that such a post would only serve to start a flame war amongst myself and several other, less-educated commenters that don't understand that I would be trying to make their lives better. They wouldn't realize that I wasn't preaching, I was simply trying to educate. And since I consider myself above flame wars (even though I would probably continue the comment thread until it degraded into baseless name-calling), I have decided to take a bye this week.

I Swear To God I Will Unleash My Penis on the Unsuspecting if This Continues
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It is a little-known fact that the bathrooms at my school disturb me greatly. I've talked about this before, to some extent, but in order to feel how truly terrible they are, I feel that an illustration is in order.

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A poorly-Photoshopped picture of a bathroom wall with the urinals way too close together for comfort.


Way too close together for comfort, right? I mean, seriously. This is one step away from that one bathroom at the McDonald's in Downtown Disney with a trough along one wall and leaky penises everywhere. Doesn't the school care about my privacy at all? I mean, I don't wanna toot my own horn here, but I have a pretty powerful stream, especially after I've been downing can after can of Arizona green tea all day, so it's kind of nicer for me to be able to stand back a little bit so I don't get covered in my filth. I mean, then I'd have to wash my hands or something, and what's up with that?

It's nice to have the ability to do that behind the comfort of a partition. I'm just saying. I stand back to pee, other dudes look at my junk, extreme jealousy raises its ugly head, riots ensue. I don't think that my school really wants to live with that on its conscience.

So I noticed that they closed this particular bathroom for construction a few weeks ago. 'What could they be doing in there?' I wondered aloud, which doesn't make sense in this story because I used single quotation marks. I figured they were tearing out some of the urinals, erecting partitions to hide the peen, cool stuff like that. I go into school the other day and the bathroom's done. I didn't have to pee, but I was so excited that I had to go in there and look at what they had done (much to the chagrin of the guy that figured it would be okay to poop with the stall door open since no one else was in the bathroom at the time, like who does that? It's a public bathroom, dude, not your apartment).

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A poorly-Photoshopped picture of a bathroom wall with the urinals EVEN MORE too close together for comfort.


Those fuckers.